I used to write stuff like this all the time at uni and I miss it terribly. So here we go. The title arrived fully formed, and the rest is made up as I go along. When it’s done I’ll fire it into the universe and you can tell me what you think. An audio version will eventually arrive on tiktok too.
[ Trigger warning, I mention dogs and death in the same sentence at some point ]
Are ‘dogs’ real?
This is allegedly a ‘collie’. A collie of what? And look at those blue eyes. Quite creepy aren’t they? Almost as if the dog is actually not a dog at all.
But if not dog, what?
A history of ‘dog’
“Dogs were the first species to be domesticated by hunter-gatherers over 15,000 years ago before the development of agriculture” - The internet
The earth is only 14999 years old, not 15000, you damn evolutionaryists
‘hunter-gatherers’ were mentally unstable and can’t be listened to
Have you ever seen a dog? No, really
About point 2. What is a ‘hunter-gatherer’ exactly? Someone who hunts and also gathers? Who does that? Is going to a kebab shop at 1:37am hunting or is it gathering? If you need money to buy the kebab how do you obtain the money? What is money? What is love? Baby don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me no more.
If you earn money for kebabs by working in a business that is in the process of finding clients, is that an analogy of modern hunting? You have to seek them out, but is it gathering or hunting?
I suppose the question really should be:
ARE BUSINESS CLIENTS FRUIT, OR MEAT?
I reckon this moody-faced model businessman is secretly several lemons.
So, hunter-gatherers couldn’t make their minds up between hunting and gathering. They were walking talking existential crises. Just imagine it. Lolloping great bungling fools spearing berries and plucking mammoths from trees. Harvesting fresh hams from the earth and stripping the flesh from melons with tremendous stone tools.
Absolute idiots. I wouldn’t trust them if I were you. I bet they had scraggly beards with bits of lizard poo in as well.
So we come to the only reasonable conclusion,
Dogs are a hallucination experienced by a hunter-gatherer high off fried berries and mammoth smoothie.
But you’re not convinced yet, are you?
Fair enough. Consider this.
Cats have monuments, why not dogs?
This is a cat monument. It is an ancient Egyptian Sphynx, not to be confused with sphincter, which my cat likes to show off for some reason. Cats were given monuments by humans because they are real. Dogs do not have monuments and are therefore not real.
This is NOT a cat monument. It is a pyramid.
Pyramids have wrongly been claimed to be giant cat ears by archaeologists, but the truth is darker. Pyramids were the third main pet humans had in prehistory, but the cats killed all the pyramids for sport. The great pyramid extinction means we are now left with only their fossils, which scientists pretend are monuments or big orange juicers. But how could these pyramids have gotten all over the place if they were built by humans?
Answer: They weren’t, I just explained that.
Back to the dog thing.
I don’t believe in dogs. My wife told me she met someone ‘better than you’ whilst out dogging in in 2019, but the park she went to never had any dogs in it?
All these dogging trips and she never brought back a dog. She had all these harnesses and things, but no dogs. Her car did smell like wet dog though, but that might be a government psyop directed by space lizards, as per usual.
Tired of these god damned space lizards.
The only living being I saw at the park was this guy called Gareth, who told me he had been abducted by aliens which is why he had no trousers on and was having sex with my wife. Makes sense to me, happens to me all the time Gaz.
This is an Xray of a ‘Pug’, a specially designed breed of dog whose soul purpose is to add a bit of ambient, death-rattle snorking to an otherwise clinically silent middle class living room. Coupled with the incessant beeping of daddy’s magic speaky slab telling him that he has a data funnel to transpose at 3pm the next day (this is code for a night at a hotel with his secretary), the Pug’s ceaseless death throes are a soothing reminder to the bored wife that life is not nearly as long as it feels, and that soon the sweet embrace of death with come to us all.
The wife, looking down at the pug with the same pity with which she looks down at her husband’s sleeping body, dimly remembers something from a past life.
She was a hunter-gatherer. A spear thrower. One of the best hunters in the tribe.
But there were no dogs.
Much like politicians, pugs have been inbred so intensely that their blood cells can now travel backwards through time in order to cause health problems in the past. Their brains are 98% jelly, and their bones are drawn onto their Xrays by drunk children.
Now, think about that.
No sane primate would design such a thing. And yet it was DESIGNED. It was built, but who built it?
Who Built The Dogs?
The evolutionary argument.
If dogs are really descended from wolves, why are there still wolves?
Whenever I see a creature snarling like that, my muscle memory makes me feel like I should apologise for bringing home the wrong chocolate biscuits. I’m sorry honey, did you say MILK chocolate? I thought you said MILF. That’s why our internet bill has a premium subscription to GothMilf, I thought it said Got Milk you see, milk chocolate.
You’re not buying it? I have to sleep in the garage again?
But honey you know the rats get touchy feely at this time of year…
Conclusion.
Dogs are not real. If you own a dog, please do not panic. If you look at it really hard, you will notice it is actually just a deformed rabbit.
Rabbit deformations are on the rise as the secret shadow government (hidden behind the panel in the shadow cabinet) uses oppressive psychic lasers to reshape rabbits into dogs to further the illusion that dogs are real.
Why go to all this trouble, you ask?
Dogs keep people busy. If you are busy, you won’t notice THE THING that looms in the sky, watching, waiting for us to blink.
It’s up there. Don’t think about it. It eats thoughts.
Thank you.
Tin foil Tim, professor of paranormalabnormal superstudies at some university somewhere I don’t know I don’t have him on Linkedin.
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I had made this as an entirely separate newsletter before realising if I ever do a paid tier it would mean people would be charged for both my newsletters, so it’s under the Phillip Carter umbrella so that doesn’t happen. As with the rest of my subletters, the paid content for this will include more stories, behind-the-scenes stuff, and some other benefits I am working on, such as big spoilers.
RIP Pyramids.
Dogs are definitely real. My cat says so, and he knows everything. He lets me know some of what he knows but ... wait a minute! Do you think he's having me on?