NSFW: Two pensioners find weird way to stay warm during Winter.
Plus - link to an hour-long livestream where I talked about books and comedy.
(You may recognise some character names. As I continue work on WKTH, I use these comedy articles to feel my way around the character voices).
Note: All the words are written by my human brain. I’ve permitted ‘AI’ to vomit out some pictures for me as it suits the speed at which I had to publish this to remain topical.
Another note: I think setting things on fire is bad. This post is a joke.
Pensioners find weird way to stay warm in Winter.
After the Labour government scrapped Winter Fuel Payments for millions of pensioners in the UK, one inventive couple came up with their own solution that fries two birds with one stone.
Barry Binbag, from Cheshire upon Cheshire (just NorthSouth of Cheshire), said
“We have just enough savings for Labour to see us as ‘too rich’ and to cut us off. Yet, after a life working, our combined earnings still won’t be enough to keep us warm this Winter.”
Sandra Binbag said
“That’s when I had my grand idea. We’d just been to the town fair and watched a play about Guy Fawkes, and it reminded me. Fire is warm.”
“And also parliament is flammable,” Barry added.
The couple raised an important point. Fire warm. Unga Bunga.
So, Sandra and Barry set about torching parliament, but not before evacuating everyone in this fictional scenario so the thoughtcops don’t get me and accuse me of a futurecrime or an imaginohatred or some other made up thing. Again, this isn’t real, it didn’t happen. Jokes are not real. Real things are real. Go deal with those, thoughtcop.
As we were saying, Sandra’s protest proved doubly useful as, not only did it scare the government into keeping pensioners alive this year, it also made for really perfect marshmallows.
Barry stole these from the big Tesco, but that’s not important.
Sandra knitted a special cardigan out of fusefleece, a new material I just made up that could be cool in a video game but let’s not get carried away. Anyway she knitted this thing with the intention of lobbing it into the lobby.
“I think it’s odd,” Sandra said. “The place was already on fire when we got there.”
“We are old, we probably forgot setting it on fire,” Barry admitted.
However, despite the success of our OAP’s plans, our resident paranormal investigator and demon hunter, Backstab Bumbridge, had something to say.
As the embers crackle behind our reporter, Backstab solemnly looked on. This man, once loudly anti government, must have had something bigger, weirder on his mind. A politician walked past Backstab and invited him to the party tonight, which we thought was a bit weird, but we’ll gloss over it.
Backstab completed the secret handshake and turned back to our reporter.
“It’s all gone tits up.” he said, taking off his ceremonial robes and hastily putting the box of matches back down his trousers.
“Is that a box of matches, or do you have a rectangular erection?” our interviewer asked him. Backstab desperately extinguished the fire in his trousers by ruthlessly slapping himself in the nards.
“Not the worst pickup line I’ve heard,” he mumbled, crotch aflame.
DISCLAIMER
We know Backstab has been off the air for a while, following his anti-reptilian sentiments and the allegations that tribe of ghosts made about him, but in the interest of balance we think it is best that we allow him freedom of speech, on this singular occassion. After all, he’s only got 986 years left to live, and our time with him is precious.
Backstab: “I do worry, that whilst Barry and Sandra have made good progress in setting fire to parliament, that there may be unforeseen consequences”
Interviewer: “Yes, the marshmallows could get too hot.”
Backstab: “Deeper than that. In fact, deep in the ancient Roman ruins beneath parliament, and beneath those also.”
Interviewer (trying to deflect): “Do you like archaeology?”
Backstab: “Never met her. Anyway as I was saying. There’s this big egg underneath the ruins underneath the other ruins underneath the first set of ruins underneath parliament, and that big egg contains the lizard queen.”
Interviewer: “Right.”
Backstab: “She has slumbered for countless eons, buried by consecutive societies living and dying atop her ancient, timeless tomb.”
Interviewer: “How can something be both timeless and ancient?”
Backstab: “Sounds cool.”
Interviewer: “Okay.”
Backstab: “And if the egg gets too hot, of course she will hatch and destroy the whole world.”
Interviewer: “Why would she do that, she lives in the world. Wouldn’t keeping it nice be more sensible?”
Backstab: “You don’t understand. She has very complex character motivations. Wait. Can I smell eggs?”
It is at this point we have to end our interview. Backstab figured out there was a cooking show in the adjacent studio, and went around verbally abusing all the boiled eggs. We cannot repeat what he said to them here, but let me tell you, it’s hard to make a boiled egg cry. You really have to put the effort in.
Speaking again to our interviewer, Barry Binbag asked us if we had any marshmallows going. We did not.
Please feel free to download and share these images
I think this is one of perhaps two acceptable uses for AI images, the other being fake pictures of lizards playing chess with frozen human corpses.
Jokes aside, I ‘generated’ this collage of preexisting human concepts so I could see how original the idea in my head was. I want to do something like this, but weirder, for a book cover.
Sources:
https://moneyweek.com/personal-finance/labour-scraps-winter-fuel-payments-for-millions-of-pensioners
I’m still working on my other posts. I am currently checking which poems I’ve already posted, so I can show you some new stuff. I did a livestream on instagram about my books the other night as well, which included me discovering an old (and complete) poetry book from 2015…
https://www.instagram.com/p/C-JTn7uoF76/
That’s an hour of me talking to comedy, poetry, and artsy people about WHO KILLED THE HUMANS? and other such projects.
Giant space lizards playing chess with frozen humans sounds like a great story. Someone should write it. 😉