(NSFW) X marks the spot for the Twitter rebrand.
A new comedy article, fresh off the press.
Disclaimer: I don’t use AI to write my posts because I’m smart and I don’t need it. I don’t dislike people who need AI to write posts for them, I just think they shouldn’t be allowed to vote, or make eye contact with me.
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Written by Forse Hucker, a North American neurodiverse avocado for horseplay and equine tomfoolery. Forse lives with his wife and several thousand anime body pillows in a retired nuclear bunker, several feet below your house.
He can hear what you say at night and he doesn’t like it.
X marks the spot for the Twitter rebrand.
In an unpredictable and crazy, zany, and rushed move (according to everyone who knows nothing about the guy, and hasn’t been doomscrolling so deep they know what Musk is about to do before he does) the tech giant (6ft2) has rebranded Twitter to… X.
X
Is this a reference to an ex of his?
Is he clearing the grime of the past?
No.
Instead, we believe Musk is heading the internet into a new era of pirate-themed shenanigans. Much like you can change your language to Pirate in Minecraft, you may now soon be able to yarrr and ahoy at your fellow Xers.
Retweeting was basically parroting anyway, if you think about it.
The irony of the label being, Xers sounds more like a neopronoun or disease than a denizen of a social media site, which we are sure Musk is currently trying not to notice.
Anyway, this new pirate-themed website will feature some unique things no other social media has.
Eye patches
A brutal code of honour
Horrible biscuits
Scurvy
As you may know, scurvy has been about on Twitter for quite some time, but it only now being introduced to all accounts. In the past, anyone with an anime profile picture who called themselves an activist but just screamed online all day got early access to scurvy, because all they know is eat hot cheeto, dye hair, make other atheist look bad, and lie about statistic.
What’s changing for authors?
For reasons unknown to science, a great many authors spend most of their free time writing about how they have no time to write. Some of them even put hours into memes about how much they hate writing, and then show these to their readers in what can only be described as psychic warfare against their only employers. ‘Look at me’ they cry, ‘My book made me f*cking miserable. Please buy it’. It’s not the best marketing, but for some reason it works for poets.
This paradoxical puzzle of purple prose and patronising poetry, may finally be solved now that we can all cosplay as pirates as well as writers. In the past, smaller authors got steamrolled by more popular ‘influencers’ (people who selected looks rather than smarts on their character sheet before birth) and could not get their manuscripts noticed amid swathes of pale, jiggling flesh. If you could jiggle, you could sell a book.
If you could make your story sound bland, you could land a contract.
Now, authors don’t need to worry about not being noticed.
Because everyone won’t be noticed.
Under Musk’s genius new system, accounts which don’t pay the monthly “X Tax” (alternate title, child support) will fade into obscurity like a bit of wee in a large swimming pool or blood down my trouser leg. It will still be there, but nobody will know.
It’s like the heat death of reality, except the thing dying is your chances of finding an agent, and by proxy your chances of affording rent next month.
Wish this post was longer? It is…
A longer, weirder version of this is available on my comedy Patreon, and Substack too. It includes jokes about sexy horses and some other stuff I don’t want to spoil.
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I’m working on it.
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