Cavemen with ADHD - A poem
+ Free Fiction Friday + Audio
[there is some mild feedback on the mic]
Hello,
I’ve just been told to take four weeks off work due to stress. Feels weird being free in the day again, but it does mean I can get more posts sorted.
As I sit at my desk and write this post, I realise the drink I just drank had mold in it. Perhaps I can etch out a comedy poem about that, too?
What is rest and how can I buy some?
If you know me, you will know that ‘rest’ means writing, telling jokes, and playing with Lego and Minecraft. Each of these four things could have become a full-time job on its own, but my brain won’t tolerate just doing one of them. That’s probably why I’ve got jokes about Lego and Lego builds of scenes in my books and Minecraft builds of things from Lego and stories which reference Minecraft which also turn up in jokes.
For me, the branches of this artistic tree are intermingled.
In my last post, I asked you to vote for what this post would be.
Interesting nobody voted for Sci-Fi, but I get it, half a story isn’t as fun as a whole story. I’m working on that. Some short stories will soon become downloadable eBooks on my bookfunnel page.
My goal, as with many of my funnier poems, is to leave some space for improv as well.
In ancient times With ancient rhymes Ancient humans Sighed ancient sighs In grunts and growls They asked me to Tell them if it Came into view That lurking beast That big mammoth or lion or snake or something But I had better things to do I invented the spear I invented the wheel I invented the concept of ownership (which to be honest I was worried someone might steal) I invented farming And I ‘invented’ fire (though technically I only discovered it, fire already existed and we just tamed it. A world in which fire didn’t exist until humanoids would be surprisingly dire. Don’t think ive used that word in a poem before. Dire.) And I invented this And I invented this And I invented the hat And calling people ‘twat’ And the lion snake mammoth Slithered stomped leapt And my ignorant secret was going to be kept Because one by one Under the setting sun My hunting group Oh… we were meant to be hunting… Shit. My hunting group got eaten up Torn to bits Stomped to death or something And I was sort of watching with idle fingers And I invented the cloak, the shawl And gloves with no fingers And I rhymed fingers with fingers but that’s okay Corpses can’t listen anyway And even if they were alive, they wouldn’t understand the poem I was improvising As they’d not yet learned to speak And I knitted myself a scarf as well And climbed atop a rocky peak And from there I observed the gore and the chaos But not before counting the stars And I think I invented astronomy And I might have discovered Mars And as I was writing and reading and speaking And chatting and knitting and knapping With a K, as in to create a stone tool Which I used for the knitting by the way I don’t do things in the right order I noticed screams of horror The rest of my tribe were there And they looked at me as if to say “Oh my God” As I pulled bits of my friends out of my hair And the lion snake mammoth had gone away or something But apparently I was sitting on its head And that inspired me to start a career in fashion Making leather shoes out of the dead And my tribe picked me up and shook me And said “What the hell happened here?” And I said “Hell hasn’t been invented yet. But isn’t it pretty clear?” There was a mammoth snake eagle lion alien thing And it lasered us all to bits Or maybe we did it to ourselves I looked around the hut I’d accidentally invented And took one of my contraptions of the shelves I put this new thing, the ‘cup’ in the ‘cupholder’ I’d carved into the monster’s skull And my tribe watched on in awe As I tried to explain gravitational pull And they looked at me and at the bodies And at the me again, and then a bit more at the bodies And at me, and then directly at the sun Which I told them was bad because of UV radiation But they didn’t care they just asked, “What have you done?” And I said, “I think I invented chairs and cupholders, Isn’t it obvious? Are you dumb?”
End
The poetry book this poem is going to go into should come out in the next few months. I was holding off until I’d written two more comedy pieces (and until I’d worked out how to advertise my books more effectively) but I don’t want to wait forever. I have the ISBN codes for my future books now, so I may as well start using them.
About that, a Macabre Multiverse paperback should hit stores soon.
And here’s FREE FICTION FRIDAY.
