Local girlfriend asks: Would you still love me if I was the worm that ate part of Robert F Kennedy Jr's brain?
(Includes audio version)
This article is based on a true story.
Disclaimer: I know nothing of politics, I care only for what I find funny.
Note: The comedy section of my newsletter is optional. I’ll be posting articles here as and when they occur to me, as they are sometimes topical to current events and news. If you’d prefer just the sci-fi, you can pick and choose subletters in your Substack settings, accessible online or on the app.
Second note: I rely mostly on people sharing my posts to get reach. If you find this article funny, there’s a share button below. I’ll be posting my Dr Who article (even though it’s now tragically outdated) here soon.
Local girlfriend asks: Would you still love me if I was the worm that ate part of Robert F Kennedy Jr's brain?
Pictured: A normal couple being normal. try it sometime
In a move that has shocked precisely nobody, local girlfriend Emily, the world’s biggest fan of Ru Paul’s drag race, has seen a news article and immediately made it about herself and her boyfriend.
“So babe,” she asked with a cold, calculating sort of pretend innocence, “I heard that a brain parasite got up inside Robert F Kennedy JR and nibbled all up on his brain, but then it died”
“Mmhmm” her boyfriend said as he got 360 no-scoped in fortnite by a 47 year old man dressed up as Ariana Grande.
“It’s so like us!” Emily said.
“Yeah.” (boyfriend was now watching his friend pick up his reboot card whilst being hunted down by Thanos and Billie Eilish)
“It’s soooo us-coded. So kawaii” Emily continued.
“Yep”
“He was like totes chowing down in neuro town,” Emily said.
“Yup.”
“Omg that should be a shirt,”
“Sure honey.”
“Like if I was a worm, I would totally eat your brain,”
This warranted a raised eyebrow, and an indifferent, “Thanks, babe” from the boyfriend. He hoped this wouldn’t turn into another of her weird ‘things’. He hated the tardigrade outfit she made him wear on valentine’s day, and he was still working the custard stains out of their bedroom curtains.
There was a moment of silence, perhaps in honour of brain parasites who had tried to eat politician’s thoughts and starved.
After which the inevitable hurtled into the room, knocking the peaceful, bloodied silence from the boyfriend’s soul.
“Babe?” Emily asked, leaning toward him.
“Yes?” boyfriend said. His voice was tense, he wondered, were there more episodes of drag race he had yet to be dragged through? He made himself smirk, perhaps it was called drag race because he is dragged through it, and his girlfriend races through entire seasons in one horrific afternoon. But he loved her, she tolerated his farts so he loved her.
“So babe, would you still love me if I was a worm?” she asked.
“Of course,” boyfriend replied, remembering a previous argument in which he told her she wasn’t a worm, and she cried and walked out for two days because maybe one day she might be a worm and then he wouldn’t love her any more.
“No but, what if I was a parasitic worm?” she asked.
“Of course.”
“Let me ask again,” she said, suddenly serious. She sat upright, turning to her boyfriend like this was an interview or interrogation or something.
An image of Robert F Kennedy flashed through the boyfriend’s mind, which was strange as he’d never seen the man before and had no idea what he looked like. Apparently, he looked like this.
Emily waited until the silence between them became unbearable, then asked her question.
“Babe, would you still love me if I was the worm that ate part of Robert F Kennedy Jr's brain?”
To which the boyfriend replied.
“Yes,” rather unconvincingly.
Sources report the couple were not on speaking terms until the boyfriend reassured Emily that his love was truly unconditional, and that included events in which a mystical amulet embedded in a meteorite cursed Emily to turn into a parasitic worm and eat his brain.
But this was short-lived, as boyfriend remarked that brainworm-induced memory loss might just save him from the mental torment of remembering more than five seconds of Ru Paul’s drag race.
Boyfriend is currently down the shops looking for the expensive ice cream and a DVD of that film she likes.
Scientists are currently trying to work out how such an innocent, surreal question can lead to entire relationships faltering. I mean, these people had a mortgage together and now boyfriend is lurking in the supermarket trying to appease her with trinkets like she’s some ancient god?
No brain worms were harmed in the making of this satire article, but we did shoot a horse with a laser.
Are YOU an aging political figure?
Do YOU want to have a new friend in your skull?
Then BUY a brainworm shirt!
*parasitic worms sold separately*
Yes, I really sat down and designed two shirts for a joke.
I care about putting detail and worldbuilding into my art, no matter how silly.
In my other life, as a Lego comedian (yes, really) I make shirts about that.
My next post should be something science-fictional, and a little poetic.
OMGOODNESS! 😃